On Waiting 2007

Originally posted in Feb 2007 in another blog that I am about to shut down 
I'm passing through what is probably THE major crossroad of my LIFE - marriage. To say that I married the man of my dreams would be an understatement. I always say that God must love me so much to bless me with such a wonderful person.

After we got married, I decided to leave my job so I can personally facilitate all the requirements so I will be able to join him in another country where he is based. Maybe I shouldn't have OR I could have seriously looked for another one. I thought the processing would be fast. But it wasn't after almost three months  that I finally gathered all the necessary papers.

The waiting part isn't fun. So is being in between jobs.While I thought of going to work often, I wasn't very excited of working under temporary employment, not that it is common where I am from. I felt that it would not be fair to the employer if I left as soon as I get what I was waiting for.

What I realized is my tendency to put my life on hold while waiting for something. It has happened to me before. I was left with a lot of problems afterwards. Most of all, i find myself stuck, not knowing what to do next.

My husband, ever supportive that he is, only has encouraging words to say. I've finished my interview and I am just waiting for the result of my medical exam.

As for the boredome that plagues me, I have come to terms with it as a form of rest. It's not like I am going to be like this forever..and I am not enjoying it, so I know I won't get used to it. In the meantime, I have bags to pack, thoughts to write, people to see, and much more! It is a busy life.

Self Talk 2007

 This was originally posted in June 2007, i am just moving my blogs in one place -

I'm reading a book entitled You are What You Think by Dr. David Stoop wherein one of the issues he raised is the relationship between anger and self talk. For someone who has been told that I have anger management issues(you know who you are!), I took great interest on the subject in my effort to become a better, more pleasing person before God.

It was pointed out that our demands tend to intensify our emotions that often lead to anger. In order to defuse anger, such demands should be changed to wants and desires.

After going through my rants, my self talk in certain areas should be changing real soon:

        1. I wish I am braver and stronger.
        2. I am battling with sadness and loneliness. I wish I understand what is going on.
        3. Eventhough I don't understand, I still believe God is in control over every situation in my life.
       4. I wish I will get hired for that writing job I applied for.
       5. I may not have all the money in the world, but I know that God will meet all my needs according to His glorious riches and glory.
       6. God, I need more patience.
      7. People are tactless and insensitive of other people's feelings. I wish they can be more considerate.

blog..blog..blog!

So I haven’t written in a long time….again! What kept me busy? I have no idea! Oh…wait..I was beating a deadline..The project that I am involved in for over a year now is ending soon..Oh yeah…I’ve talked about this before..Well, we’re still in a crisis mode. I pray that the people who gave their word will truly meet the deadline.

I also went home to visit my parents. My father complained since I haven’t been home for two years yet I only stayed for less than 48 hours…hehehe!!Busy career..duh! He said I should just stay with them and work on a business with them. Pretty tempting, I must say…but I do have my reasons..For one I don’t have a local church there..Most importantly, there is no market for me there…LOL!! He won’t read this anyway! Hahahaha!! Next year my sister will join us in Cebu for the uni. I don’t know if I will still be here with her by then..lol!

And the series of parties! It started on the 15th. Globe invited us at work for an event they call High Five! It was fun..The first of their many parties that I actually enjoyed..And then Abel’s b-day on the 16th….We stayed up until midnight just talking. And then Friday night….we didn’t party, but we were very busy packing our Christmas presents..Saturday lunch was our party at work…It was very laid back…plenty of food for all ten of us plus a few guests…there was sooo much left over it could have been worth a week’s meal…well..except that…*sigh*

I was part of a mini E.B. (read: eyeball) with FFF chatters. Except for the regulars, I got to meet a few others, one of whom happns to be a cousin of my first cousin. It was the first time I met her..I just heard of her..I thought the facts that she mentioned matched so I asked for her family name…and bingo! Small world..We parted ways with the FFF folks..all nine of us at around midnight, but I moved with some of them to another bar where there’s a live band playing to wait for some friends. We stayed there til one a.m. which was a little late since I didn’t finish my Christmas wrapping for our church party the next day. I couldn’t work when I got home so dozed off I went and put off the work on the table til very early morning…Grrr…we didn’t finish till 11 A.M. and had to rush to the 12 noon party..By the time the party was over, I was so beat. I attended the 4p.m. service really sleepy, it was a miracle I didn’t sleep through it.

When I got home at 7pm, I was so tired I hit the sack in record time. I woke up drowsy by 11:30 pm and still managed to balance my business books at 1AM.

Three more nights and I will wake up in the island paradise of boracay. I can’t wait to be there. In the meantime, I have to endure the boredom of coming to work without anything to do except, well, blog..hehehe!

if i were a piece of thread...

i would have long disintegrated..did i say thread? hehehe!

it's been really busy at work for me..what with our MAJOR anniversary celebration, project that is about to end and deadlines that have long expired and yet remained undone.

and then there are questions about career path..my work's relevance to my purpose, mission and vision in life and the question of whether or not I will eventually get married.

last night i had a brawl with myself due to weariness, loneliness and stress. sheezh whatta lethal combination plus of course add to that the above mentioned scenario and you will get an explosion.

well, i didn't at least not yet..but there are few things that add up to the questions that i have been asking myself. what is the relevance of english proficiency in my life that i had to attend that orientation earlier? of course the free lunch was a favor because i asked for it but what was my boss thinking? i guess i should call on a meeting with him already.hmm...

and i am writing this blog because i was asked to write another message for our souvenir program one more time at a very short notice. and yes, i am still in the office at 9:30 pm with nothing but a blank page on Microsoft Word staring back at me.

i need a life...hmmm...things would have been ok if there's a so called lovelife..but that is an entirely different story that deserves another blog.

don't call me bAbY!

i have a confession to make...and don't ask for specifics because you won't get any...lol! i called someone baby when i messaged him sometime not too long ago.

well? you ask??? hahaha! don't hold your breath..it gave him goosebumps.

i wanted to put on a poor me mentality with that response...stop talking to him for as long as forever..bury him into oblivion..but on second thought, i said, "yeah right! like i can actually do it!" hihihi! besides it didn't look like a very christian thing to do, apart from being uncharacteristic of me.

at the risk of sounding too self confident, i know a lot of people would kill for me to give them my slightest attention..much more for me to call them baby!!! sheesh!

so after a thorough analysis, i decided to act in the opposite spirit and call him baby nonetheless! that would be fun, right? i can just imagine him cringe everytime i send him sms, email or even talk to him on the phone..lol!! baby...winkz winkz!

yeah, baby!!!!

chona mae's resignation..

after a month of avidly following chona in the city, it is very sad to note that her author Francis decided to end her existence today..

it is a loss to many fans, but perhaps it is plenty of time added to their productivity at work since there's no more blogs to scan...i am speaking for myself of course..

goodbye chona mae...thank you francis for the entertainment during dreary times at work..it was good while it lasted. and like many good things, it may have ended but the memories will always linger..

sheezh!

love....a battle??

or is it really?

now, seriously i am not lovestruck, as you probably already suspect at this post! it just so happen to be a topic that i am very passionate about...well, among other things! lol!!!

a movie i recently watched had that song on its soundtrack. I copied part of the lyrics below:

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong
Searchin’ our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

You’re beggin’ me to go, you’re makin’ me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know
Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing you’ve had?
Believe me, believe me, I can’t tell you why
But I’m trapped by your love, and I’m chained to your side
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

all of us have battles to fight at some point in our lives. hearing that song made me shake my head in disagreement.

battles mostly have negative connotation to me - battles with this or that disease, battles against corruption, poverty or terrorism, to name a few. unless of cours we are referring to the battle of the brainless, then it should elicit a lot of laughter in the beginning. of course it can be sickening when we get too much of it. then that's already the negative part of it.

but love??? a battle?!?? somehow i find that idea difficult to reconcile with my usual idea of battles. perhaps because i am a self-confessed hopeless romantic, i want all love stories to have a happy ending. to my myopic brain, battles in love must refer only to heartaches..afterall that's the messy part!

but then again happy endings don't just happen overnight. it involves a lot of risk assessment and mega-compromise.

in a conference i recently attended, the speaker mentioned the four pillars of relationships being trust, love, communication and forgiveness.

and each pillar could fill an entirely different blog but...trust is basically the foundation of relationships, love the motive and communication the process..and forgiveness? it is the thread that restores.

by simply looking at those pillars, it makes me think how much hard work is required for a love to stand.

i will maintain my CLAIM at me being un-lovestruck, but this musings just made me think that maybe...just maybe love is a battlefield afterall. lol!

anyhow.....if only my boss will let me write abt my rants instead of those press releases, my life wouldn't have to be a battlefield...hehehe!

i gave up...

...my monday to friday two-hour tutorials since sept 27.

it's sad, but i am left with no choice, really! The 11-year old girl, Kelly, called me up. She practically begged me to stay. In a way I am glad that their mom finally has time for them. Though on the other hand I am sad because I won't be seeing them. And I will miss seeing their youngest 3-year old brother William, with whom I have a huge crush on! lol!

i learned so many things from that 6-week experience.
when i grow up and have children of my own, I promise to:
> make time for them
>i will be a mother and friend to them
>i will get to know them
>i won't leave them to the care of the maids
>i will personally be there for them
>i will personally tutor them (or homeschool them..hmmm..)

NOW...where's that man that I will have the pleasure of co-laboring with? ~winkz~

my two cents

Whatta Sunday afternoon.!! Pretty interesting!!

Having lived a semi-boring existence for a while, a diversion from the usual routine is always a welcome change.

After a powerful meeting that Sunday afternoon, I went back on an eating binge with my girlfriends. Some guys tagged along but they had to move to a different place because they didn’t find the ambiance too inviting for their famished appetites.

My friend Joyce and I were supposed to go home but how we ended up in Bo’s Coffee with Cornell and Philip remains a mystery. (lol!)

The most interesting part of that Sunday afternoon conversation was the confession about the men’s perception of the women in church. (there were other things, but it is censored) It seems that they are under the impression that the women thinks the men are not good enough for them.

….which I found very disturbing, really!

Because the impression is sooo wrong! The men in church are fine. They are very passionate about their relationship with God and just as passionate about discipleship, among others.

It is a pity that they view the women that way. No wonder they hardly speak to us apart from topics such as church, ministry and cellgroup..Hehe!

Are the women really that scary? Or do they just need to be stronger?

Just my two cents.

an eventful weekend

well..not really in the true sense of the word but there was a part that really tickled me..

my saturday was very lazy! i woke up late and came to work only in the afternoon, in time for a meeting, only to be informed that only two are coming....Ohhh God...there goes the pre-pilot test.I hope to be able to recover today.

i was bored all afternoon i was able to write two blogs...lol! and then my cousin was trying to contact me because she needs to get something from the house, which is a whooping 45 min ride from the city. before that i agreed to a movie date with roslyn and rhea.

of course i had a major dilemna, which spells 90 min spent on the road if i had to go home and come back for that movie. to solve the problem, i decided to cook adobo for dinner and invite my friends to go home with me. and then we can always catch BOURNE SUPREMACY at a nearby theater, which we did, but at the ayala mall instead, which is a little farther than the original plan, but definitely soooo much better.

sunday morning was spent in church. it was a long ride because of the re-routing of the public transportation due to a construction. but i got to the service on time.

pastor bob perry, an american prayer warrior from Nashville, Tennessee came to visit the cebu church. what is interesting is that since he first came to the phillipines, he had always wanted to come to cebu...finally after 20 years, he came.

he preached about developing a heart after God and mentioned the characters of Mary, Martha and Lazarus...I was really tickled because I know that i just wrote abt my need to be a balance between Martha and Mary in a previous blog. And then at the leaders meeting in the afternoon, he taught abt praying for leaders and quoted Is 61:1-2

boy, was i thrilled!!!! it was a very exhilirating experience, because maybe, after all my inadequacies, God still speakes to me. truly he is not like us, who gets tired of people, and gives up on them. he is the God of heavens who is stubbornly crazy about me...!!!

i must confess i ate lunch twice that sunday...one right after the service, and then after the meeting...lol!

the rest of the afternoon can cover an entirely different topic.

sheezh!

sometimes I just need to write to get out of a bad mood….a bad day …or even a broken heart.

for instance, over a month ago, I was in the middle of a very heartbreaking situation…but I was too busy to notice or even cry over it. likewise the circumstances surrounding the event placed me in no position to grieve…first because I thought that it is a fact of life….people come and go and second because it was the right thing to do.

but after a while, the pain that you have so long hidden into oblivion catches up with you. in my case, I just had to cry…the few friends who knew saw me suffer in silence, yet nothing can be done. it was just a hopeless, helpless situation.

and then by some miracles from heaven, something comes up…a WORD… an EMAIL…. even a single SMS…I knew I had to get up…I knew I had to get back on track. and so I typed my feelings away, baring my soul…and without doubt revealing my heart. the ice melted…over and over again until the water just ran out and I am back in the dry land again.

no situation is too hopeless or helpless that healing cannot touch. sometimes you end up with nothing or no one in the end, yet your soul is back to life. for others that much awaited, long needed talk happens and things become clearer and the sun shines brighter.

either way u grow…become so much better that u were yesterday…and with that growth comes the most awaited joy of walking in freedom.

It just got me thinking...

a few days ago i received a word in Is 61 though my bible reading that day..i did post it in my previous blog.

anyway, when i first read the scripture, i was like, OK God, i am going through this heartbreaking situation right now, but you will turn this experience around. Out of this experience I can become a better minister to those who are grieving, those who are mourning, in despair and heartbroken.

i just realize that i usually treat God's word that way..almost like Martha, who's attitude is to serve, serve serve...Sometimes I read the word and ask how God can use me to be an instrument in making his word a living reality to others.

it just dawned on me that i may be suffering from a messianic complex after all...lol! or maybe i have reached a point of getting too familiar with my relationship with him. (I certainly hope not!)or i may just be too confident that indeed God's word is yes and amen to those who ask, yet what i do is simply receive his word without asking. No wonder i have been receiving this scripture in John, i think, that says I do not receive because I do not ask!

yeah i think it is the later...hmmm...lol

as for Isiah 61, i had a whole new perspective of it just this week...but i will walk you through it in an intirely different thread! ~winks~

the bottomline is, i have to be balanced, not just a Martha, but a Mary as well, who will sit in Jesus' feet. There is nothing wrong with waiting on Jesus, on being ministered by Him, on getting refreshed.

afterall, I can't give what i don't have.

guess who walked out....

of a tutorial session????

Hard to tell, but I DID!

I am usually a very patient person...and I always try to see the good in people but today, I just had to walk away.

Three kids aged 10, 11 and 12...yep...that's how old they are...ooooOhh...they talk at the same time too..I think I am now on my sixth week, and somehow I thought I've had it figured out. Of course they have to work on their assignments first, then I will just have to check on their work afterwards..But there's a problem if they didn't understand their lessons..I have to be able to explain it to them...And then there's the time that they clamored for my attention at the same time..Can't they see there's only one of me and three of them??

The worst thing is when I am trying to explain to them something and they pretend to be bored or sleepy because they find the explaination too long and they want a shortcut. It would have been good if the understood the explaination in the end...the sad thing is they don't.

Now I am contemplating on whether i should go back or not. After over a month of tutoring them, I still haven't negotiated my rate..Sometimes I would think that it would be understandable if their mom won't pay me. I feel like it is a waste of money to keep meeting with these kids because they are so NOT interested. I don't know if they even understand why they are in school in the first place.

When I grow up (lol) and become a wife and mother someday, I will see to it that I tutor my own children myself. It's a pity, because children won't be kids for a lng time...As for me, I would like to be available for them, be their friend, and teach them the ways that they should go, so when they are older, they won't depart from those teachings.

On True Love Finding its way home

My hottie friend Rhea and I, on our usual Wednesday night movie addiction moments went to watch THE NOTEBOOK..

What a very poIgNanT love story. Made me think of my own life, the quest (or is it the waiting) for a true love and how I would want to grow old yet still hopelessly in love with my husband as if it were yesterday!

There was a part in the story wherein the guy said of the birds being able to find their way home, no matter where or how far they went.

How amazing!

Indeed true love comes our way sometimes stealthily you hardly even notice. MOst often we let go, in search of other "much better" more precious stones, only to find out in the end that we have always had a diamond all along!

What a shame it would be to wake up one morning with that realization. My prayer is that I would not miss seeing beyond a rough stone when it's really a diamond inside.

But even if I do miss (or if he will...lol) I hope that our love will always find its way home!

icEpRincEsS, soberly

My heart skipped a beat....

because the one guy who makes my heart melt called..silly me!

No he didn't call because he wants me back...It was in reaction to his question of how i was doing. I gave a matter of fact reply that I am messed up but will be fine soon.

He said in mostly unintelligible terms that I should not allow the situation to affect me ( I guess I was too tongue tied to react or even hear what he was saying).

I think I may be going thru some delayed reactions to what now is an extinct (for lack of a better term) relationship. I really don't know but thoughts of him and us keeps haunting me. It's not like I keep revisiting it, I don't. Coz I know that if i want to get out of this emotional quagmire fast, I have to stop remembering and I tried...real badly...but still it keeps bothering me.

I wish I am like HIM, that I can just tell myself not to let it affect me. I know I took my every conversations with him seriously, and treasured them in my heart and believed just like a little girl promised of a happy ever after. What keeps ringing in my head is this song he sang, about us being able to make it if we try. Of course I knew that people change their minds, but I did not know how I managed to convince myself that he is not everyone, that everyone else will change their minds but NOT him. I guess it was also because I know that part of me will die without him. So that I knew letting go was never an option. That's something I have validated awhile back because unknown to him, I have tried several times to let go, only to find myself miserably failing at it.

Until now..I can't fail this time.. because it is what he wants, and maybe even what we need (tho my whole being is clearly revolting at such ideas). And even if it is NOT what I want or need, I have to convince myself everyday that it is the RIGHT thing to do or even if it isn't, there is nothing I can do about it.

Me, AFFECTED? Absolutely...I can't help it, especially if we're talking about having to let go of someone who means the world to me.

I know a lot of people think I am silly or stupid. Sometimes I think that way too, but over and above that, I am just a girl who fell recklessly in love head on, face flat I didn't even know what hit me. The good news for me is, I will rise up, and after this dark stormy emotional hysteria is over, the sun will surely shine on me again.

I miss him terribly and I can't possibly put in intelligible terms how much I love him. It is my hope and prayer that one day, when I think about him, I will be able to smile knowing that he's one guy I love, meant my whole world, had to let go yet no longer affects me.

God help me!

Iceprincess, truthfully

My WorlD, My WordS

Ladies and gentlemen, ballpen and fountainpen!!!!

Welcome to My cOrNeR of ThE WoRLD.

Call me IcePrincess, coz that's who I am.

I have nothing much to write for my opening salvo..(lol) my brain is not working right now. What with my recent celebration of a death anniversary..(hmmm...will write abt that sometime)

So for now, I will just leave things as they are.

iceprincess, matter of factly

Update: Dec 2012 - Kalandrakas is a Filipino Visayan term meaning mixed or assorted. Many years ago, I started this blog as a random journal of the season I was in. I haven't always been writing regularly but I noticed that I did record some significant times of my roller coaster emotions.

Years passed that covered one amazing husband, an intercontinent move and two toddlers later, I am inspired to blog again so I thought I would just resurrect this, make a few changes and get on with it. I

thought kalandrakas is an appropriate description of what this has turned into - truly kalandrakas!