In Retrospect

Sometime not too long ago I was placed in a position wherein I had to assess how much value I place on myself. It was a little difficult since I have always been very highly opinionated– first, because I thought I was so good I could do anything, and then later on, because I couldn’t do anything right, I needed a power beyond myself. True enough, my relationship with Jesus solved the latter. It wasn’t because I was extraordinary that he accepted me, that I could freely talk to him or about him or that I can do something right. It is precisely because I saw that without Him, I couldn’t possibly amount to anything, much less do something.

Thus began my journey of freedom from insecurities and low self-image propelling my way towards a life of confidence just the way I am, and security because my Father in Heaven has a great plan and a beautiful future for me.

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to talk to a very young and pretty girl about a situation that involved a relationship. I challenged her to see herself beyond the relationship, to allow herself to grow and mature into a woman of destiny. I talked to her about respect, how she should set the standard, and not allow the man in her life to determine how she should be treated.

It is funny how many young women close their eyes, playing blind to the way their men treat them, even if deep inside, they know that they deserve so much better.

I myself just got out of that situation. Three years ago, I met and became fast friends with a very interesting man. We would talk and laugh about anything and everything. His passion for God mesmerized me. His dedication to his work left me in utter admiration. His love for his family was simply wonderful. And little did I know that I was falling for him. Despite the distance and differences in background.

One apparent difference seems so unthinkable from the start. He is dark skinned and I live among people who equate beauty with fair complexion. But I have always had eccentric taste. So it did not matter to me. Because when he sang, it was as if the fairest of angels straight from the heavens serenaded me.

Who would think those times would end? I know I didn’t. While he was very busy working, I saw myself missing him more. Until I could no longer remember how he sounded. Until I have almost forgotten how he looked. Until I just cry myself to exhaustion.

It made me think of the kind of man I want to marry. Surely he will make time for me, no matter how busy he is. Surely he will make a way just so he can see me. Surely he will not get tired of my presence. And when we are older and the children are gone, we will still hold hands, kiss and hug, we will still sing together, and we wont get tired of talking to each other.

My talk with that girl challenged me to think about my own value and self-respect. It made me think of this man that I have long dreamed of waking up next to each morning for the rest of my life. That talk gave me the courage to let go of whatever hopes I have about our so-called relationship.

In the end, I knew I deserved better. And this time I will see myself through this. God did promise to be my strength in my times of weakness.

After all is said and done, I am still grateful that he became part of my life. I know that whatever happened is always for the best. And even if destiny is taking us to different directions, I am still glad for the memory that once in my life a beautiful person added a rainbow of colors to my semi-boring and dull existence.